


The Boys Are Back In Town Again

by edgy_fluffball



Series: Tumblr prompts [13]
Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF, British Actor RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Or Is It?, The Author Regrets Nothing, Tumblr Prompt, part three
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-01 08:26:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18332327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edgy_fluffball/pseuds/edgy_fluffball
Summary: Part Three of the The Boys Are Back In Town Mini-Series within a series of Tumblr prompts.Gwil has to come to terms with having lost Ben for good after he apologised.





	The Boys Are Back In Town Again

**Author's Note:**

> This is the third Part after "The Boys Are Back In Town" and "Guess Who's Back In Town". Hope you enjoy it, let me know whether it's a worthy finish.

The months went by, one day after the other, uneventful, grey and repetitive. London’s green spaces truly turned green, the sun managed to fight through the clouds every now and then and the tourists flooding the streets wore shorter sleeves and brighter colours as they walked past the museums, took photos in front of the sights and queued in front of the theatre venues to get last minute tickets. Their chatter, multilingual and loud as it was, asking for directions, reading out of tourist guides and waving each other into poses in front of the chosen photo background.

The smell of the street vendors and snack stalls wafted up from the river, students and artists flocked to the streets, alleys and promenades and even the cars seemed to smell better as they rolled along the slip roads. Birds nested in the parks and dogs barked cheerfully as they passed each other, dragging along school children, tired mothers and old ladies who pursed their lips at the sight of any other quadruped that crossed their way.

Spring had entered the city and the people enjoyed the warmth the sun peeking out from behind the clouds, smiling more openly in the streets. The people who didn’t were the investment bankers who had lost their clients, tourists bending under the stress of having to visit too many sites to visit in one day, and the heartbroken.

Being part of that unfortunate group of people meant dragging around the weight of an invisible chain, wishing to be somewhere else at any given moment to accommodate their grievance. Different types of heartbreak had different effects on different people of course. Where one might stay at home to wallow in the lack of the comfort they craved, another might choose to leave their abode and mingle in the attempt to drown out the emptiness of home and heart.

Gwil had decided not to leave his flat for the foreseeable future, the last time he had chosen to go out had brought him nothing but further pain and the certainty that he had lost Ben forever. Knowing about it, more than merely questioning his own decision, had made it even worse. He had stopped answering calls since the only people to call afterwards were Rami, Joe and his sister and they had not been helpful at all. More than that, Joe had used his first calls to tell him how Ben had gone on a few dates with different men and women. He never told Gwil whether they were successful or not but he did not have to. Gwil was able to conjure up the images in his mind without further details or information. His imagination took it even further and went above and beyond to fit these nightmares with as many details as possible. Every waking and sleeping moment was filled with ideas and thoughts, jealousy gnawing at his brain stem. He imagined candlelit dinners, five course menus and romantic walks along the river; stares across tables and intertwined fingers, fingertips rubbing patterns in palms, and smirks, exchanged for phone numbers.

It tore him apart. The feeling paralysed him, made it impossible for him to think straight. It was enough to make him test out the boundaries of how possible it was to survive on online deliveries only. It turned out that London did not require any tours outside for a person to survive without greater complications. Once a week, his brother checked in on him, with enough good advice and their mother’s recipes to feed him throughout the week.

It had made no difference to him, he spent his days in varying states of emotions and moods. He either lay on the couch or the bed, sometimes even for a whole day, and did nothing but sleeping, eating and watching TV, on other days, he went through his training routine several times a day until he fell asleep late at night with one arm hanging to the floor and his face buried in the sofa cushions. His Netflix list, having accumulated an impressive number of movies and shows, had shrunk down to four films that Ben had added for them to watch together. Knowing this, adding this detail to the stack that weighed so heavy on him, made it impossible for him to watch them without angry tears hurting the corners of his eyes. It stung once dried, tearing into the skin like bursting seams ripping apart cloth.

Sometimes, he woke up in the middle of the night, crying from a nightmare scenario, another idea of a date, cooked up by his tired mind in the late hours. He spent his time awake staring at the ceiling, following the headlights of passing cars as he tried to find something restful to calm his mind enough to sleep without dreams.

It did not work, of course.

He continued like that, a shadow, rarely even opening the window to gasp a few lungs full of fresh air before closing it again. Despite all this, he still maintained some kind of routine, not allowing himself to lose the last sense of dignity. He kept to his diary and made it to meetings and auditions in time. He even scored a role but rehearsals would not start for a while. He made his appearances but could not bring himself to care about what he came out to look like. He got by.

With everything piling up in his flat, he dragged himself off the couch and began to gather worn clothes, putting them in the washing machine once he had enough. He was just about to start it, when he saw a piece of paper peeking out of one of his trousers. He grabbed it before pushing the buttons and getting ready to do something else around the flat, opening the folded paper. It was a note carrying a familiar handwriting, listing groceries and errands to be run. Underneath it all, there was a bit of writing, a smiley face and scrawled words reading ‘Drive carfully, no matter how much you crave chocolate.’

Gwil clutched it in his hand and pressed his lips to his closed fist, as if it would give him closure. The memory of Ben’s little messages to him stung even more in his heart knowing that he did not get them anymore.

Something about the way the letters curled around their centre, the bow underneath the ‘y’ and the little gaps not entirely closing the ‘o’s and the manner of the flowing words made him feel, let him believe he could hear Ben’s voice. Of course, there was no chance of it, he had lost him.

And just like that, the tears were back, burning hot tracks down his cheeks. He felt silly about it, standing in his kitchen in his pyjama bottoms and an old shopping list clutched in his stiff fingers, crying over what he knew to be spilled milk.

Nothing was going to change the way he had gambled with his luck and happiness. Not his silent tears, not the restless nights, not the singular moments spent with less than a happy memory left. He was left with what he deserved, after all, and the realisation that a simple apology would not get him back what he had lost had made him humble in his approach of everything.

Of course, a simple demand, even if combined with an apology, would not get Ben to forgive him, simple as that. His words had been easy enough to comprehend.

There was a certain air about the rest of the day. He went through the motions as if asleep, scrubbed his skin red under a hot shower and slipped under the once comforting weight of his blanket, trying to find comfort in the fleeting hours of nightly sleep he could experience.

He woke with a start, a quick glance to his alarm clock told him he had gotten mere seventy minutes of sleep or rest since he last checked the watch on his bedside table. His throat and lips were dry, his eyes stung and he yearned for a cold drink of water.

Carefully, he got up, not sure whether his feet would carry him. His fumbling fingers found the wall and he slowly made his way along it, towards the door and out into the hallway. From there, it was easy to reach the kitchen, grab a glass and fill it with tap water. He emptied it with three big gulps before setting it aside, missing the edge of the counter just barely.

A rattling at the door made his head snap around. It was a knock, sharp and impatient.

Gwil groaned and turned around, with one hand wiping over his eyes. He stalked towards the door, a yawn lingering just behind his lips, ready to be ejected at the unexpected late-night visitor. He fumbled for the door know for a moment, tired mind not able to recall on which side of the door it was.

‘What,’ he eventually barked into the dark hallway, blinking in the desperate attempt to get rid of the blurry sight in front of his eyes.

‘Hi,’ the pitifully small sound came out of the darkness, ‘I need a hug.’

‘Ben!’ Gwil stepped into the hallway, hand stretched out, ‘Is that really you?’

‘I think it is.’

Gwil found his hand, grabbed it and pulled him into the flat. His lips shook in the attempt to form words, a hand tried to grab hold of what was in front of him and the other searched for the light switch.

‘You’re here, you’re here –‘ he tripped over a pair of shoes, ‘why are you here?’

Ben switched on the light, having put a hand on his arm in an attempt to calm him down again. Gwil had just about realised that Ben truly stood before him, when the next realisation washed over him. He was shaking in his arms, avoided his eyes and seemed in distress just enough to try and avoid the touch Gwil offered to him.

‘Hey – hey, what’s wrong, you are upset!’

‘No kidding,’ Ben sighed and exhaled shakily before almost collapsing against him, wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him close enough to bury his face in Gwil’s shoulder, ‘I need a fucking hug, Gwil, please…just hug me?’

‘Course,’ Gwil opened his arms to accommodate Ben, his breath caught in his throat when Ben accepted and moved even closer, ‘all the hugs you allow me to give you.’

He could feel Ben’s jaw work against his chest, a trembling shudder that raised the hairs on his neck. His hand found Ben’s neck and helped him breathe by turning his head a little. The effort was thanked with a choked sob into his shoulder.

‘I tried to fall asleep after I came home – but I couldn’t and I felt so alone and cold and I couldn’t bear it for another moment –‘

‘Calm, Ben, you’re going to upset yourself even more,’ Gwil let his hand wander, into his hair, sticky with sweat and possibly rain, he did not know or care about the weather late at night, not when Ben lay in his arms and cried and needed comfort, ‘don’t cry, you can have all the hugs you need.’

‘That’s just it,’ Ben’s voice was muffled against his chest, ‘it’s the hugs, in a way. I miss them, more than I can even begin to tell you. The hugs, the time after dinner spent in silence, every single second.’

Gwil swallowed heavily but no sound came out of his mouth. He let Ben stutter out what he needed to get off his chest, however long it needed.

‘I’m not even going to pretend that I didn’t enjoy telling you to fuck off and leave me alone. I enjoyed that so much, in that moment I felt like my heart was swelling up with fucking pride. I was so proud of myself for getting the opportunity to tell you what I thought and felt about you in that moment. And then it all came crashing down on me. I hated that you weren’t there to comfort me when I came back from all those dates – I’m sure Joe told you… But I just hated the thought of you not being there took away what little joy and excitement meeting new people might have brought. It’s just…not the same without you. I fucking missed you and it made me miserable. So…that’s why I needed a hug.’

Gwil felt his heart beat faster listening to Ben’s words. Something fluttered in his chest, something reminiscent of hope.

‘Ben…’

‘I’m sorry.’

The words struck him like lightening. There was nothing else Ben could have said to get Gwil to believe he was dreaming. He pinched his arm behind Ben’s back, a little motion enough to stir both of them.

Green eyes found his, looking up at him in disbelief, ‘Did you just pinch yourself?’

‘And if I did?’ Gwil cleared his throat, ‘What if I can’t even begin to believe that you’re actually here?’

‘In that case,’ Ben lowered his head again, ‘I can apologise again and maybe, after we have both apologised and both hurt a lot, we could sit down and talk?’

Gwil nodded silently and wrapped his arms tighter around Ben, ‘We can do that. But… probably not now? Do you want to stay the night? You could, you know; I have the couch, or the guest room. You can always trust to have a space here, no matter how stupid I am acting.’

‘Oh Gwil, I really, really don’t deserve you!’

‘Hey now, buddy, we had that before. I won’t have you say that,’ Gwil lifted his hand and traced his cheek carefully, ‘no making the same mistake twice, okay?’

‘Agreed,’ Ben nodded, smiling softly, ‘shall we make new ones?’

‘With pleasure,’ Gwil smiled and felt the urge to assure Ben of his willingness to try again.

He hesitated to move further, afraid to misinterpret Ben despite his presence and their conversation. For a moment, it seemed to stop there and he half turned around to his bedroom when Ben’s hand grabbed his.

He smiled at him, squeezing his fingers, ‘I don’t suppose I could get another hug?’

‘I told you,’ Gwil lifted an eyebrow, ‘all the hugs you need and want.’

‘In that case,’ Ben bit his lip, ‘could I ask you for a kiss, too?’

‘You really don’t want to waste time, do you?’

Ben’s warm lips shut him up, pressing against his enough to make him feel the heat radiating from his cheeks, as he blushed a deep red, ‘I think we have wasted enough time as it is.’


End file.
